You Can Have Fun with Polish History!

We prove it with the musical Battle for the Throne, about the elective kings of the Polish–Lithuanian Commonwealth. The show is styled like TV talent shows. Each ruler performs a hit song presenting their life and achievements. The songs are sometimes composed in styles characteristic of the countries the kings came from. For example, Sigismund III of the Swedish Vasa dynasty sings a number inspired by ABBA, while Augustus II the Strong from German Saxony combines heavy metal sounds reminiscent of Rammstein with a baroque aria. In the finale — just like in Eurovision — the audience votes for the coolest king and the best song!

Battle for the Throne

Was it a coincidence that the first Polish elective king was the most handsome candidate? Elections were a show, a marketplace of promises, and a beauty contest. You had to outshine your rivals, win the battle of charm, and give a real performance. They were like a festival where the audience decides the winner.

A political Eurovision.

But what if our historical elective kings competed in such a festival? If we gathered them on one stage and made them fight for the audience’s approval? If each of them had to perform a single number in which they had to shine so brightly as to overshadow the others? This question carries consequences. Since kings must duel for charm, we must let go of our usual tendency to mock historical figures.

So let’s not think of Henryk Walezy as a faithless husband who abandoned us just after the wedding night, but focus on his eccentricity and androgynous charm. Let Batory be a hero from vampire-like Transylvania, and let’s appreciate Sigismund III for his reason, his Warsaw spirit… and artistic talents. Let’s love Władysław IV for being one of us, admire Jan Kazimierz as the phoenix rising from repeated disasters. Let’s adore Poland like Sobieski loved Marysieńka, and let Augustus the Strong impress us with the 365 children he fathered. In Stanisław Poniatowski, we can see the Polish version of a bittersweet adventurer à la Casanova.

We still need a jury — let’s invite the kings’ mothers, wives, sisters, and lovers. Foreigners would be best to ensure proper distance: Bona, Anna Vasa, Marysieńka, and Catherine the Great. And as hosts, let’s add seventeenth-century showmen Piotr Skarga and Augustyn Kordecki.

This is our siren’s recipe for a musical elective talent show.

And a final thought: democracy is quite a fun game — but a dangerous one. As our Hosts sing just before the finale: “Fellow citizens, you have reason to worry: vote wrong — and Poland will disappear from the map.”

— Jacek Mikołajczyk